Here’s something I never imagined on my site: a Pure Romance review. I accepted their Euforia V39 Luxe vibrator because it was expensive, pure and simple. $1,000 for a G-spot vibe? GTFO! Would you buy a thousand-dollar vibrator in a time of global pandemic? Or any time in life: what features would a sex toy need to be worth such a high price tag?

My social media followers answered this question, unprompted. Responses to my Pure Romance Euforia V39 posts often included some form of “FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS, IT BETTER…:” and ended with:

• Buy me dinner first, at least
• Bring me breakfast in bed
• Be dead-quiet
• Pillow-talk me afterward
• Cuddle me and buy me chicken nuggets afterward

Basically, 80% of people on some level think that a $1,000 toy should perform the before/after sex functions of a human sex partner. That it should deliver some type of extra care—not simply vibrate.

My writing this Pure Romance review is a public service: I believe that you deserve the best possible info before you buy any product. Especially when the product is a real investment, like a vibrator this expensive.

About Pure Romance

Pure Romance is what’s called an MLM, a multilevel marketing scheme—the more exploitative variants of which are called “pyramid schemes.” Started in 1993, the organization now claims to be worth $250 million and have 30 thousand active “consultants” (women who throw Tupperware-Party-like sex toy showcases in their homes). Pure Romance’s aim is, in their words, “empowering, educating, and entertaining women.” And ONLY women: men are not allowed at these sex toy parties.¹

OK, hmm… I’m a woman, I like to educate myself. But I also have a DEEP dislike for companies who sanitize their product offerings so much as to (1) only appeal to one single gender and (2) assume that women will be scared away by realistic dildos. (Pure Romance has one realistic offering, and it is not body-safe silicone).

More to the point, the company’s structure: consultants are claimed to be able to earn **up to** 40% of sales value²—but sales tiers are never explicitly broken down anywhere on the website. Then there’s another page claiming you get 10% off your order if you throw a party and the sales total reaches $250! And free gifts! Of some kind! We don’t really know what they are, though! But you’re a woman, you love “free gifts,” right?!?

I guess Pure Romance assumed that I like free gifts, because they sent me this vibrator without bothering to ask my rate for non-affiliate reviews. I mean, c’mon folks, even Tracy’s Dog was insistent about trying to pay me! (I said no, for the record).³

So let’s talk about profit margins…and why it’s not going to end well for the buyer if the lowest tier of the multilevel scheme can earn 40% of the sale. (Maybe.)⁴ Above that consultant tier is the “lord only knows how much” made by the higher levels, like Pure Romance executives.

Based on the feel and look of the Pure Romance Euforia V39 Luxe vibrator, I believe product cost to Pure Romance (what they pay the factory in China for each toy) cannot possibly be more than $65. (Probably less.) Again, $65 item cost, out of a $1,000 sale. That’s an astonishing markup, over 93% profit margin.

No, I don’t work for their factory somewhere in China to be able to confirm this. So instead, I’ll tell you about this vibrator—and why I believe it’s worth $120 USD, max.

Euforia V39 G-Spot Vibe Details

Why They Claim It Costs $1,000

“Shimmering Swarovski crystals accent this captivating, limited edition vibe detailed in 18-karat rose gold.”

Listen, I can’t even see the rose gold, and the “Swarovski crystals” appear just like my mom’s costume jewelry. (My mom has a lot of costume jewelry, I should know.)

I also own legit Swarovski crystals purchased in Austria, from the manufacturer (Swarovski). Here’s a comparison:

The Euforia V39 Luxe is the same vibrator as the Euforia V39, which costs $250. Pure Romance is telling you that this bit of bedazzling cost them $750.

A not-so-educated consumer might buy the Euforia V39; only a fool would buy the Euforia V39 Luxe.

Ironic, given that Pure Romance claims women’s education is one of their primary objectives.

I understand luxury, don’t get me wrong. But this doesn’t look expensive; or carry an established luxury brand name, like LELO. The $250 Euforia V39 looks more luxe than the official “Luxe” one. Go figure.

The Motor

The Pure Romance Euforia V39 Luxe offers 12 functions. Nine of those 12 are patterns. Let’s ignore those and cover the steady speeds:

1. Speed #1 does very little for me—it’s both stronger and buzzier than I want to start out, like between speeds #2 and #3 (out of 5!) in the Blush Wellness G Curve ($59.99).
2. Speed #2 is the sweet spot. I can get off hard on this one. It still has an edge of buzz, but not so much as to overwhelm my sensitive bits. It reminds me of the Pillow Talk Sassy, my love, about 75% of the way up Sassy’s intensity progression. That’s as strong and buzzy as I want it.
3. Speed #3 is as strong as Pillow Talk Sassy and Wellness G Curve! That’s good! But unfortunately it also feels two times as buzzy as Sassy, and itchier than Wellness G Curve too. I have to use it through underwear to enjoy it.

Mainly, it makes me sad that this vibe has only 3 steady speeds for $1,000. I mean, shit, I eat more than 3 courses at many meals.

A full grand calls for fully adjustable speed control. The kind you’ll find in the BMS Pillow Talk Sassy ($54), in BMS PalmPower wands ($70 to $105), or in the We-Vibe Wand ($179). Adjustable intensity control lets you press and hold a control button (BMS Factory toys); or press a switch up/down (We-Vibe Wand), then release when you get to the strength you like.

The Pure Romance Euforia vibrator’s power is really not shabby overall. It rivals a Lelo vibe—or it would, if Euforia had a few more steady speeds. (The patterns, like almost all patterns in every vibrator, are unfulfilling for me.)

The Blush Wellness G Curve, for $60, has 5 steady speeds and just 5 patterns—much more reasonable. And Wellness G Curve’s shape is sleek ‘n’ streamlined, something I cannot say for the Euforia V39 here.

The Shape / Contour

Euforia V39’s shape isn’t objectively bad, it’s just precise. Focused. Euforia has a very hard vertical line all down the insertable portion. That line/ridge reaches a raised apex right in the middle of the bulb, dead-center. Like in the Fun Factory Boss dildo, this odd vertical protrusion is too concentrated for me. It clashes with my G-spot.

As I thrust Euforia, as I invariably do to be able to come on G-spot vibes, the toy’s shaft naturally twists 90 degrees sideways. Because Euforia’s ridge sticks out so much, and the sides are flat, using one side of the head is wide enough to satisfy me.

I do prefer the greater contact area to the flat-headedness of the Jopen Pave Vivian, another bedazzled G-spot vibe with a good-enough motor that will not cost you $1,000. Vivian’s head allowed for only pressure on my G-spot or smaller area, rather than G-spot down through the vaginal opening. (Why neglect all those lovely nerve endings?)

Really, Euforia V39’s body is like a hybrid of the:

• Swan Wand by BMS, large end (both sides vibrate); and
• Lelo Mona 2, a G-spot vibe legend.

Like Mona, it has a strong vertical line right on down the center; but then Euforia’s bulb is wider, just over the average 1.5 inches diameter for G-spot vibrators.

The Handle, Goddammit

This toy’s “crystal”-studded handle creates waves of frustration, rising up in me.

Frustration at all the uncomfortable outfits I’ve tried on (and owned!) during my life as a woman. All the pointy-toed shoes that pinched my feet; all the bras whose underwire rubbed wrong; all the pants without motherfucking pockets.

When I’m tugging down Euforia V39 onto my G-spot, really getting into speed #2, things are good. Not too bad! Except. Except. I’m getting so close to coming, but then I keep feeling those little spikes digging in my fingers. Glued-on glass crystals, poking me. And I wonder, “Why? Why do I have to go through all this? Can I not just have pure pleasure in my vibrator?” (Not discomfort too?)

Vibrators should not cause existential angst, y’all.

All the Extras

Euforia V39 Luxe also a heating function, called Caleo. It’s controlled by a third button on the handle, underneath the up-or-down function control buttons. The heating is nice; it does make the vibe feel more comfortable. It especially would be comfy if I could move the heated shaft up and down my vulva without having my fingers prickled simultaneously. But oh well, it’s the best heating function I’ve owned in a vibe, better than the Zalo Desire thruster’s warmth. 

The vibe’s battery is quite long, a couple hours for sure. No complaints at all here.

It’s not loud, but it’s not totally whisper-quiet, because strong-ish vibrators cannot be dead-quiet too. It’s a fact of life. You want Magic Wand-level power that no one can hear??? Good luck with that!

The package my Euforia V39 arrived in had “Pure Romance” as the sender on the address label, so if you’re concerned with discretion and someone knowing the company name, that could be an issue. (If I wasn’t openly a sex toy reviewer, I’d rather have by packages arriving from a shop whose official name ends in “Electronics” or similar.) See what Euforia looks like coming out of box here in my YouTube vid.

Quick Recap & Ranking

The Euforia V39 is not a bad vibrator in itself. The motor is good. (Not the BEST BEST, it’s a bit buzzy, but nothing to sniff at.) The obvious problems are the bedazzled handle (so uncomfortable) and the price tag.

Pure Romance can sell their toys at ridiculously marked-up prices to naive party attendees who haven’t done any comparative research. Who may be a little ashamed of talking about, and handling, sex toys because this is ‘Merica and we carry a lot of sexual stigma around.

But this is also 2020, and Pure Romance is trying to market on the internet too.

This site exists because I believe in the Information Age.⁵ A time when people can research products without leaving their bed, and can compare prices so easily.

The Tupperware Party Age is passing. Be an educated consumer, know what you’re buying. For under $50,⁶ you can find a rumbly G-spot vibrator with a truly wide speed range. (Also, BMS Pillow Talk Sassy’s color is actually cute!) Or get a vibe that’s firmer G-spot pressure, and just as powerful as Euforia, for under $60.⁷

Check out the Euforia V39 Luxe listing here, for the hell of it!

See my G-spot vibrator guide here if you’re looking for the best.

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NOTES

1. Listen, I don’t even have the energy here to ask about nonbinary and trans individuals as regards this policy. It’s from another, more conservative era than the one I want to live in.
2. Not that I believe very many “consultants” do earn this level. This article also claims that there are several startup toy package levels that one can choose to purchase, and supposedly, the more merch you buy, the more commission you make.
3. I imagine the Pure Romance marketing person first assumed I’d state my rate upfront: that Phallophile Reviews could be bought in the same way that 99% of YouTubers, or Slutty Girl Problems reviews, might be. Then, they didn’t even question when I didn’t ask for money! Because it’s a THOUSAND DOLLAR VIBRATOR, yeah?! I should be happy for such an amazing “free” product! But my review policy is simple and clearly stated: I only promote products that I would consider buying for myself or a close friend.
4. Not that I really believe many consultants do earn that high a percentage. Again, who really knows for sure.
5. I believe that the world wide web has truly broken down closed doors as far as data-gathering is concerned. Anyone with an analytical brain can find technically detailed answers in mere seconds if they know what keywords to search for. And…how to filter out bullshit.
6. Use code FELICITY at checkout to bring the price down 10%.
7. $58.50, the same 10% discount, with code FELICITY.