Goodbye 2020: Best Sex Toys of the Worst Year

Shall I define the best sex toys of 2020, the worst year the majority of us have ever seen?¹

Goodbye, 2020, so very NOT sorry to see you go. Traumatic and unexpected, this year was. Pandemic results included: Boredom, loneliness, fear over meeting new partners, relationships breaking apart… To name only a few 2020 problems. Obviously, sex toys are no match for crisis of these proportions. But still, many of us sought out extra pleasure (self-pleasure in particular) as a temporary refuge from the storms of quarantine blues and life anxiety.

In this year, the sex toy industry both suffered—from constant production and shipping delays related to COVID—and boomed, as online toy sales skyrocketed starting in April. (I’ve been working from home for 8 years now, so let me tell you, I understand procrasturbation.)

So, the best toys, of the worst year… A few moments I don’t want to forget include how I (1) fell in love with a rabbit vibrator for the first time and (2) jumped into sex machine reviewing. So, without further ado, I’ll share my 2020 best-of sex toys… after I congratulate us all on just making it through, & here’s to better things ahead. 🥂

We-Vibe Nova 2

Flexible outside your body, soft and adaptable within. In my book, We-Vibe’s Nova 2 is the best clit & G-spot toy EVER. The rumbly vibrations and 10/10 comfort level, AND I can thrust it while it keeps massaging my clit? Win-win-win.

Nova 2’s adaptability is a huge deal because clit-to-vag distance varies, and I’m someone who standard rabbits never fit well for. For its versatility, I’d also recommend the We-Vibe Melt + Pillow Talk Sassy combo, uniting my all-time favorite vibe & fave solo clit pulsator—because you can separate the two toys if desired / use them separately / use with other toys / use during PIV sex, etc.!

Velvet Thruster Prime

Velvet Thruster is great at improving existing designs, so the Velvet Thruster Prime series takes the thrusting speed of their first self-thrusting dildos and makes it easier to hold, with interchangeable shaft options, and a lil quieter. (The “easier to hold” part is tops!)

The Velvet Prime Sammie XL is of course my favorite for its thickness, especially along with the suction cup attachment (seen above!). Make sure to add the “Prime Suction Cup” accessory if you want that. Sammie is the larger version of the average-girth Jackie shaft.

I’m also enjoying the new Teddy GS model for G-spot massage, when I stick Teddy GS on top of some angled pillows and ride. Full review coming soon.

Satisfyer Curvy

New ‘n’ HOT, Satisfyer Curvy are clit pulsators like the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Gen., but with vibration and long-distance compatible app control. And yet they don’t cost more than the Pro 2. It’s a 2020 miracle, tbh.

I’m testing these right now, and the functions are the same in all 3 Curvys: 11 pulsation speeds that surround and puff on your clit, then 3 steady vibration speeds (and 7 vibe patterns). The air puffs aren’t quite as strong as the Satisfyer Pro 2, so keep that in mind if your clit loves intense, but the Curvy vibes add some zest. Full review with details on the Satisfyer app coming soon!

Of the 3 toys, personally I prefer the Satisfyer Curvy 3+ because its mouth is the smallest—so it’ll create an actual seal around my not-large clit. If you’ve experienced any clitoral growth or are naturally large, the Curvy 1+ is the biggest hole of these toys (and Curvy 2+ is slightly smaller).

SquarePegToys Steve

I discovered the forgiving, fleshy feel of SquarePeg’s SuperSoft silicone realistics this year with Nathan, a thick favorite. Then SquarePegToys—known for its awesome anal toys—released Steve, a new life-cast dildo with serious curve for hitting the prostate/G-spot.

Steve’s SuperSoft platinum silicone is smoother, with gentle skin texture. Then its head just tugs and pulls. Softly, but insistently. Steve widens toward the base, so the squishy silicone keeps its curved shape better than a proportionally longer toy like Leo—which is really wiggly! Read Steve’s dimensions closely before buying, because Actual Size is 2 inches wide at bottom, not an average-sized dildo. Also read the story of Steve’s life-casting here!

Steve comes in the harness version, or in a Vac-holed version for sex machines.

Neo Elite Glow

Oooh, shiny—and dual-density! These Neo Elite Glow affordable platinum silicone dildos are clear outside, and colored underneath… Stick ’em in some sunlight and they glow like crazy in the dark.

Neo Elite Glow in the Dark feel similar to the original Neo Elite—just a liiiittle firmer in that soft outside layer. The 7.5 Inchers here are good for G-/P-spot (7.5 Inch with Balls); or for deeper play, suction cup use, and slow anal expansion (7.5 Inch no balls).

Oxballs Ergo Blueballs

Oxballs Ergo in “Smoke Smoosh” is a super-filling, very wearable butt plug. All day, at work, out and about, whatever. Ergo Blueballs here is a redone version in sparkly tri-tone blue that simply looks kick-ass.

Blueballs Ergo is a tad less squishy, which makes it easier to insert—and it’s still very flexible and good for several hours of wear. If you’re going for super-long-term, you might remain with the Smoke version, however!

These plugs excel if you like a little width: a stretched feeling anally. The curvy base is also amazing sitting between the butt cheeks + touching the perineum / taint.

Arcwave Ion

A WOMANIZER (or Satisfyer) FOR MEN. It’s a request I see made often enough, and one that’s frankly confused me.² My thoughts aside, WOWTech (makers of Womanizer & We-Vibe) listened and created the Arcwave Ion.

This toy growls and feels quite powerful in hand. It has a vibration-like quality, besides the air pulsing down within. WowTech opted to aim its Womanizer PleasureAir pulsing tech at the frenulum (back of the cock head) rather than encompassing the whole dick with air-puffs. You can stroke the super-soft silicone sleeve up and down your cock, the pulse tech simply doesn’t cover the whole shaft (unless you’re 4 inches long).

So I sent the Ion to a friend—full review coming soon—and his initial thoughts were that (1) yes it’s loud, (2) you will come fast the first time, (3) it could be a little longer, but (4) he would definitely buy it (even at $200). This is some serious rumbling tech!

AND THAT’S A WRAP, FOLKS.

Wishing you good things & some return to normalcy in 2021!

P.S. I bought a dildo from Pleasure Forge with colors inspired by Munch’s The Scream (cropped below), a symbol of existential angst; and I am hoping this thing arrives in time to close out 2020! Probably not, that would figure for 2020 😱 (Please don’t whine at your favorite retailers about USPS’s issues when you selected cheap shipping—or ever, really!) Stay well, y’all!

NOTES

1. I’ve had shitty years before, but I do have to say that there’s a small amount of comfort in living this COVID crisis as a communal experience: It’s a problem that literally everyone has had to endure. So when I talk to a friend who I haven’t seen in a while, I can say, “omg what a shitshow this year is, how are you doing??” and everyone involved will understand and be able to bond over the common trauma, if we’re honest with each other.
2. I’m more on a wavelength with all these dudes who want an automatic BJ machine: a penis-sucker, not a penis-blower.