Zalo toys scream “swanky”: from 24k gold chains and Swarovski crystal everywhere, to app control and self-heating functions.
Would the most innovative toy of the bunch, the Zalo Queen Set, live up to the luxurious image that Zalo is trying to project? Oh do I have a lot to say about this bling-laden toy…
Contents
On the “PulseWave” Function
When I was first asked to review a Zalo toy, I pored over the offerings. I knew I had to have the self-thrusting one, Sweet Magic Desire, so I could compare it to the Fun Factory Stronic pulsators. But my curiosity also demanded that I test the Queen because of its “PulseWave technology.”1 What did that mean? I wasn’t sure, but I meant to find out.
Zalo describes this PulseWave feature as an “exclusive wave-motor drive” that offers users2 a “brand new experience of G-spot exploration.”
That’s a big claim, right there. My first reaction was to call bullshit. How “brand new” could it possibly be, with so many G-spot toys on the market? I mean, the slight pulsing motion in the Zalo Queen is a different kind of flickering sensation from (almost all) other G-spotters. But… when I think “brand new” and “G-spot,” I expect…impact? Whereas the Zalo Queen’s pulsing effect is very subtle. The movement is concentrated in the center circle only, about a third of an inch across:
This means that the G-spot stimulation is light. So light, in fact, that I think Queen is much better as a clitoral toy. By itself, the PulseWave motor doesn’t deliver pressure, just a light tap-tap-tap. And my clit does respond to that (sometimes).
Queen’s first PulseWave speed is mild, while the second is a bit more serious. It’s the third (out of 4) speeds that most gets my attention. IMO it’s best used pressed right up against the clitoris, because such a small area actually pulses.
The Zalo Queen also includes 4 pulsation patterns that, like the steady speeds, are definitely not getting me off by themselves. I need some added vibration.
On the Vibes
I usually start with just Queen’s PulseWave feature on, because it’s intriguing—briefly—as a warmup. But I like to add vibes in short order. It’s fascinating to feel the pulsing motion inside Queen’s shaft in conjunction with the vibes; the wave effect feels more noticeable in my hand when the two functions are used together.
Vibe speed 1 already has a frequency that reminds me of an electric toothbrush—never a happy sign for my pelvic floor. There’s just not much rumble.
I can orgasm from the low buzz of speed 1 combined with that fluttering, pulsing motion mashed underneath my clit—when placed in just the right spot, the pulsing makes me feel more aroused.
Still, I find myself craving more from the vibrations, and I’m sorely disappointed when I move up to the Zalo Queen’s second—and final preset—steady speed. The level of buzz is alarming; the vibrations just don’t travel through flesh well.
As you cycle through Queen’s preset functions, there are those two steady speeds, plus six patterns, and then the vibrating motor turns off. The fact that there are only two steady functions downright sucks, especially for a toy at this price point. But at least there’s the app…
On the App
For some reason, the Zalo app (called “ZALO Remote”) is able to unlock a level of power that isn’t available when you just use the vibe’s control buttons.
When you enter the app, the first screen looks like this (leftmost image):
It tracks how many times you’ve used the toy recently, plus, somehow, estimates the amount of calories you’ve expended during testing. Personally I think the calorie-counting feature is unnecessary, stress-inducing, and potentially harmful to anyone who’s ever suffered from an eating disorder or anxiety about their weight. I signed up for a luxury vibrator here, not a Fitbit.
So I sigh, and hit “Enter” to get into the app. “Classic” mode unlocks eight “waveform” patterns; the first is best for me because it’s the steadiest. I drag the little slider up, to get Waveform1 to a fairly powerful intensity—strength that isn’t accessible without the app. Besides being stronger than non-app steady speed 2, the top level of Waveform1 is also, mercifully, less buzzy. This is by far the best the Zalo Queen can do for me.
Then, there’s something called “Scene Mode,” which offers an array of irritatingly patterned options, punctuated by lots of starts and stops. (Clearly transgressing against the First Commandment of Vibrator Patterns.) There’s also Music Mode, which requires one to access something called the “ZALO Music Library.” You’ll have to forgive me at this point for not caring enough about those possibilities to bother figuring out how to get into said music library. Like most folks, I just want more steady vibration options.
Finally, I want to note that the Zalo app doesn’t work anywhere in the world, only within 30 feet of the physical toy, so don’t expect to have anyone control your Zalo vibe from afar Ă la Ohmibod Esca 2, Lovense Lush, or We-Vibe Sync.
On the “Noise-Free Operation”
Zalo says this toy is “whisper quiet.” To be frank, that is definitely a load of bullshit. The Queen’s motor isn’t quite “Magic-Wand-on-high-speed” loud, but it’s noisier than many other quality G-spot vibes. (Hats off to the Pillow Talk Sassy for being kick-ass rumbly plus still pretty damn quiet. Also for costing $100 less.)
Queen’s noise is almost a hydraulic-type sound; I begin imagining something large and robotic. It makes me feel like I should be living in some kind of mechanical future, or maybe like the Cylons are coming for me.
The Queen is loud enough that when I’m using it late at night, I try to muffle it with pillows because I’m wondering if my sleeping kids, a floor below my bedroom, would be able to hear it if they woke up.
The Silicone Sleeve Attachment
The Queen Set is different from the normal Queen because it comes with this silicone coating, which you can put on and, basically, use to hug your clit.
To be clear, the PulseWave feature is not the same the the air pulsation tech found in Womanizer and Satisfyer toys or the even-stronger Lelo Sona. The tapping motion does impact my clit, and it feels nice in conjunction with the vibes. But it’s not the same level of air pressure. Again, Queen is more subtle, more understated. For some this may be an advantage. I get overwhelmed really easily by the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation, and I think the Queen with sleeve is more usable. If only its vibes were rumblier, though!
The sleeve requires some extra care when you’re cleaning the toy. I was afraid to reverse it at first—thinking I’d tear the sleeve—but it does stand up to the pressure. I’d recommend turning it inside out to get any excess water out after cleaning.
But the Bling
To be clear, I love how this toy looks. It makes me want to look up synonyms for “gorgeous.” The glitz is the Zalo Queen’s biggest selling point, for sure.
With gold embellishments and this “Cleopatra inspired snake charm design,” complete with a Swarovski crystal, the Zalo Queen 100% belongs in a fashion magazine.
If I had money to blow and I wasn’t aware of more affordable plus rumbly vibe options, I would definitely buy a Queen—the PulseWave function just sounds interesting. But in the end…
Overall Thoughts
Are there people who will be able to get off satisfyingly on the Zalo Queen Set? I’m sure. But I’m not one of those people, and after extensive testing, I think the Queen Set is best suited to a very specific kind of user. One who:
- Loves focused stimulation
- Likes tapping movements on their clit
- Doesn’t need intensely rumbly vibrations
- Isn’t a power queen
- Adores the cuteness
The Zalo Queen’s tapping motion is indeed innovative—but it isn’t doing anything for my G-spot. Getting off on the Queen, when I’m using it vaginally, is a chore. (And I’m speaking as someone who easily orgasms from vaginal play alone.)
Clitorally, the Zalo Queen is more effective. But still, the vibrating motor needs work: I find myself craving more penetrating vibes—ones that travel better, deeper into my pelvic floor, and provide more all-around sensation. If you’re more into focused clitoral stimulation than I am, you may have better luck with the Queen Set due to its silicone nozzle.
The Zalo Queen is beautiful, and I wanted to love it, but it’s not the toy for me. Both the Jopen Pave Vivian and the Pillow Talk Sassy (comparison here) have better vibrating motors than the Zalo Queen, have an elegant aesthetic,3 and don’t force you to download the app to get to a higher vibration intensity. (But if you’re a fan of app control, then, hey, the We-Vibe Rave has a stronger, rumblier motor than the Queen and can be controlled long-distance too.)
You can find the Zalo Queen Set and its tappity-tap-tap PulseWave tech here.
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