On Pegging and Power: A Story of Self-Discovery

Trying new things is fun, right?

Maybe not always (I mean, seriously, I’m still haunted by some of the more extreme foods seen in Idiot Abroad), but I was pretty stoked when my husband suddenly expressed an interest in pegging late last year.

I immediately started considering our best toy options. Dildos, sure, I have covered, but my harness knowledge was mediocre. So I looked up harness reviews. The first two I read mentioned that the writer (the harness wearer) felt empowered after donning the harness.

That’s totally valid, but it’s not quite like that for me. I love the feel of the SpareParts Joque again my skin, the tightness of it, but just wearing a dildo doesn’t make me feel in control. Mostly, it feels unusual,¹ out of place on my frame.

But you know what? I do very much enjoy pegging. For me personally, I’ve discovered, it’s the act of penetrating that’s the turn-on, rather than wearing a silicone dick.

The first time we did it, I came about three seconds after insertion. This surprised me, because I’d had the bullet vibe turned on (inside one of the Joque’s pockets) for a few minutes before this, yet I didn’t feel anywhere close to orgasm. Not until I got the dildo into his ass—that was when I felt in control of the situation.

It’s true, I like the power that pegging affords me. Control over the angle, control over the speed, control over what he feels—apparently I get off on it.

After a couple pegging sessions, I began thinking about my own responses, in any kind of sex. I knew I had no interest in daddy-dom scenarios—a massive turn-off for me. I see being submissive as something to avoid at all costs—there’ve been too many times in my life when I felt powerless to change something, and I absolutely do not want that mixed with my pleasure.

(For others, though, being a sub/bottom is liberating. I hear that a play scene is a unique space where a person can “relieve [themself] of the pressures of day-to-day life.” I 10/10 would sign up for that if it worked for me!)

In listening to some audio porn one day, I realized that phrases like “I’m gonna make you come” really…don’t make me come. Instead, if I hear, “Oh baby, ride me and make us come,” I’ll orgasm so much faster.

So I like being the actor, the force behind the orgasms. But you know what? I’m not sure I’m a true domme either. I want a good level of control, but I also like guidance from my partner. I want everybody to feel good. In my long-term monogamous relationship, that means not inflicting pain—because receiving a spanking isn’t his thing either. Sure, we tried playing with paddles/impact toys for a while. And I like the feel of hitting. With another lover, I can see myself becoming a “hobbyist” domme. A bit of bondage, a cock cage, some teasing. It sounds fun—every now and then.

But I couldn’t go all the way, with a full-time D/s dynamic. I don’t want to control anyone else’s life; I can barely keep up with my own! Or maybe I’m just lying to myself, not ever having had a submissive partner. I mean, hell yeah, I’d like a service sub. (On a side note, I now understand why the idea of having an attractive maid is so fucking hot.)

So is sex always about power? No, of course not. Pegging, or any kind of penetration, doesn’t have to involve the receiver being submissive. It’s all about how you choose to do it. (For example, my gonna-be ex never wanted to ride a dildo I was wearing, cowgirl(boy?) style, so he’d have more control.) But if you want to add more obvious power-exchange elements—bondage and paddles and forced orgasms and anything else that turns you on—then hell yeah, why not?²

As for me, pegging my partner made me realize that I do have serious “top” tendencies. I’ve seen myself as pretty “vanilla” for a long time, but now, slowly, I’m discovering something new. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being vanilla, to be clear. But people change, and often their preferences evolve with them. So here’s a toast: to growing, and exploring, and never staying exactly the same!

1. Take note that “unusual” shouldn’t be read to mean bad here.
2. Assuming all parties consent enthusiastically, of course.