Coming Out, Pt. 2: Polyamorous

I wanted more.

More sex, and more fun too: With nonjudgmental, relaxed people, in a very open but safe environment.

So I chose, post-vaccine, to venture out solo onto the local sex club scene, and become a so-called unicorn: a single woman who will hook up with (M-F) couples. It suited my desire to both (1) explore having sex with women while getting some dick in too; and (2) avoid single men, cheaters, and Tinder. I scoped out local clubs electronically first, and found a group of clubs that had an active message board, plus was women-run and very clear about their safety protocols.

The real awesomeness started when I decided, last minute, one night to drive into the city and hit a new sex club location that came well-recommended. I got there early, apparently; at 9:30 p.m. It was almost empty. Hmm. But the real fun would start later.

Do you feel at all scandalized? I thought polyamory was weird and kinda-shocking in principle before I really lived it. I also was sure that I didn’t like sushi or vibrators before I tried good ones. Sometimes you don’t understand your own preferences, until you try something with an open mind and without fear.

I chatted with the first couple there; got a drink; started introducing myself at a second table; eventually migrated across the dance floor as more couples rolled into. I was doing my best not to be a nervous introvert, bolstered by my discovery that single women are called “unicorns” for a reason: their rarity and desirability just in general. And I’m pretty cute, and I like to please too.

Then, I saw her from two tables away. Beautiful, and curved, and sexy AF she was. Long, dark hair spilled down her back, in a ponytail. I smiled at her, while still talking to another couple.

She came over to say “hi” a minute later. To me! And invited me to have a drink. Soon I met her (quieter) husband, and tried the faux “moonshine” peach liquor they’d brought — but very watered down, because alcohol is not my friend. After a little while, she asked me my preferences: how I got into this (“the lifestyle”), what I was looking for. She sussed me out over the course of several hours, amidst greeting friends of hers, and moving her ass on the dance floor. Finally, she asked whether I wanted to accompany her to the bathroom. (It was quieter there.) We went into the largest bathroom together, and talked what was next while peeing.

I could write erotica about several of my recent encounters, but I’ll just say that she gave amazing directions in bed, and her man adored her, he happened to be quite well-endowed in just the way I personally prefer, and wow, she loved to share. They complimented each other in bed, which was amazing. Afterward, they asked how I was doing, whether it was good for me; exchanged phone numbers with me; got me a bottle of water for the road; and walked me out to my car. I felt thoroughly taken care of, by the both of these sexy folks.

My brain was lit up, like it hadn’t been for over a year. Toys may be very, very orgasmic — but they’re not human beings who desire you, who can speak to you, and who you can please too.

I was sold, this had been too much fun. Before I left, my new crush had invited me to a lifestyle app, after showing me cute pics she’d posted there — so I had even more ways to easily explore new friends and/or partners, when and how I wanted.

So my adventures continued. As a unicorn, I’m wading through tons of options, and already don’t have the time/energy to respond unless someone really stands out. For example, I picked out one single man who’s been awesome to text with, very responsive, discerning, and uncommonly mature — and I’m looking to try new play and new toys with him. Sure, some of of the conversations I’ve had have been dead ends (personality-wise, timing-wise, etc.).

Besides sexy, drama-free fun, what I also wanted was honesty from entering into this polyamorous lifestyle. Everyone is open, so you can faultlessly say you’re banging other people — important to me after my last ex lied to me and then cheated on me. People in the lifestyle can be more or less exhibitionistic (most people I’m having sex with prefer a private room), but the lying kind of secrecy is never a desired attribute.

Consent is crucial. As a single person, it’s simpler because I can decide for myself who I do and don’t want; I don’t need to figure out whether my partner is attracted to another couple personality-wise and/or physically. I love how respectfully the couples I’ve been with have acted so far: Condoms are important to me, and almost always produced without me having to ask; and they’ll ask me before a less-“standard” sex act, like spanking & impact play, anal, or public play, is introduced.

I’m not saying in any way that polyamorous relationships are better, because people are people and you have to avoid bad matches and assholes everywhere. Or that the lifestyle & its ethos is flawless: there are going to be personality conflicts / tensions / people who are avoiding each other within any social circle. And yeah, these hookups can be superficial too: like how I’ll get much more attention as a fairly young, cute single woman than, say, an older couple would draw.

An interesting point came when I’d picked up 3 new couples over the course of 2 weekends, and I started doing a little bit of juggling. 1 And everyone knew, and it was all good. One weekend I wasn’t sure whether I could go out, trying to see if I could find some child-care for a late night out, one night’s break that week. I’d been texting a cute couple most of the week; we’d had sex, on a canopy bed, in front of a crowd the previous weekend. We’ll call them couple #3. She has the softest ass I’ve ever felt, and he’s very dedicated with his fingers. Anyway, the husband had informed me that he and his wife went out one night a week, and on Friday night, he’d texted me classy photos of the two of them on a date. I’d said to him I wasn’t going out that weekend, but then plans changed: I was free at 10 p.m. Saturday, and decided to finish hooking up with couple #2 (described below), after my shorter session with 8 days before that had gotten derailed when, I was told to mingle with new folks and couple #2 and I would finish later — but before too long, I found myself getting bound to an X-shaped “St. Andrew’s cross,” and flogged, before giving another woman a series of G-spot orgasms right afterward. I’m telling you, it’s unpredictable out there at the sex club.

So I’d liked couple #2, wanted a longer session this time. I Kik-texted the wife from couple #2, figured out where they were gonna be that night, and was chilling with them for an hour before I started getting felt up. Frustratingly, all the closed rooms were full when we were ready to move into the bedroom. The three of us waited a few minutes, while he asked me to suck his cock in the hallway next to the closed bedroom. But there was no room open still, so couple #2 and I paused again — and in the meantime, I ran into couple #3.

I felt awkward, since we’d been texting earlier when I didn’t think I was gonna be able to go out; and they were now angling me toward investigating the (busy-busy!) bedroom section of the club. But I had to be honest: I was trying to finish up with couple #2. (I wanted to be slammed by that cock I’d been playing with earlier, while groping his wife.) Couple #3 was super-chill, even waited till I was done to walk me out to my car, and we ended up taking our respective sets of kids out for pizza the next day, while arranging a night out the following weekend.

It’s mind-blowing, really, after I’ve been in traditional to semi-traditional relationships all my life. Do people get hurt by misunderstandings in this lifestyle? Sure thing, we are all still human beings with our own insecurities. I’ll address that (in the section after the next one), then try to wrap up this cathartic article… But first, getting banged by couple #2 the first time, for the sexy factor and trying to to describe what you want from a sexual encounter.

He asks me what I like, this darker man who I already know is hiding a fat cock in his pants. He knows I want it, because I’ve told his wife I admired his dick — and her shapely figure — before the evening started. (She told me to drive on down.)

But you know what’s really hard? To describe one’s sexual wants in a few phrases. Luckily, I’m analytical if I’m anything; so I come up with a sexual self-summary on the spur of the moment: I’m very orgasmic, I come easily. I like to please, I like taking directions. I’m an exhibitionist too (I like it when people watch me have sex).

So he asks me to turn around, then feels my half-exposed ass cheeks, sticking out from underneath the “schoolgirl” plaid skirt I’ve donned for the night’s theme. His hand gropes down, into my lacy black thong, as he questions if I like that.

I say “yes” and lean into him as I turn toward his woman, her perfectly round breasts filling out a top that looks made for them.

We move toward the bedroom a minute later. Clothes start coming off, in pieces; I focus on taking my platform heels off first, as the room’s small and I don’t want to trip. Soon I find myself on my knees, my tongue lolling back and forth between his slick cockhead and her left nipple — something I didn’t realize was a possibility prior to his. He asks me whether I’ve ever done this before; I smile in between circling the areola to reply, “No!”

It’s undoubtedly an awkward position for her, so I’m told to lie on the bed next, and his fingers are in my vagina almost immediately. He’s dominant, giving the directions I’ve stated I enjoy receiving. He talks dirty to me, tells me how to touch her, orders me to squirt. Over and over.

He ask his wife if she has any ideas about what I should be doing. “She likes following directions!” he says, referring to me. The wife doesn’t; I’m running my hands over her spandexy thong, still on. I like her, but in this coupling he’s running the show, and I’m drawn to follow what he’s telling me to do.

The play stops periodically; he’s good enough at this to make sure I’m OK, he’s not hurting me.

They’re impressed with how orgasmic I am, that always impresses the couples I’m with. No refractory period. They tend to ask me whether I ever have sex and don’t orgasm. The answer is: “No, that would have to be a really, really awful sex partner.” The many multiple orgasms are my party trick, of sorts, in this scene. And I love that they like watching.

Eventually I’m on top, my hand behind his head as I ride harder — he’s skooched so close up to the wall, on a fairly short bed, head close to bahging into the wall if I fuck too fast. She’s just watching us, now.

He’ll tell me to flip over soon; drive his be-latex-ed thickness into me doggy style. The position’s not my favorite in general, but this is working for me: he’s not too long, he’s spreading my vagina but not impaling my cervix. He transitions to longer strokes, so fast that the air rushes in and out. Qweefing, that farting noise that vaginas make when the air is pressed out of them. The sound has never felt so hot to me before, but now it’s amazing.

I don’t know how long we were in the room, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I finger her too, he makes me come yet again and then starts angling to see how many fingers he can fit inside me — asks me if I’ve been fisted before, asks me if it hurts and he should stop. I’m not in a place to remember that I’ve brought a silicone lube packet, so he gets 4 fingers in, right past the knuckles; but then the hand’s stuck. I say we’re probably at a wall; he stops and pulls out.

We confer at the end. I ask if I can do anything else for either one of them. I stroke his cock for another minute, he’s checked out now, we’ve been doing this for a while. He compliments me, kisses her, and some of our clothes start getting put back on… I seem to have missed putting the bra on, but whatever. We open the door, and the room outside must have 20 people in it. A canopy bed, a sex swing beside, a square sex couch, normal couches lining the walls with a porno playing on the TV behind. I smile and drop onto a couch, trying to collect myself.

They’d asked me why my legs are toned earlier, complimenting their definition. I bike-ride a lot. But this sex session, now that’s my kind of workout.

So what changed for me, that made the polyamorous / swinging lifestyle suddenly awesome for me, when it had been problematic a couple years ago?

🚩Content warning: relationship trauma in the next paragraph only.

First, I was in a relationship that made me less secure about myself. He could barely show desire for me, after the first couple months; he blamed it on the fact that I had a higher sex drive than him. We talked all the time, then, and he said he was willing to make sacrifices for me and that we needed each other; but it’s not hot when you have to beg someone to get it out for you. He was the kind of man who shouldn’t be in a relationship in general; far too narcissistic for anyone else’s needs to be real in his mind. I think deep-down I knew that he’d discard me as soon as he found a woman locally who was half-intelligent and actually wanted him — someone he could also manipulate into thinking he was a good person, for a little while.

I personally will only have sex with couples where the woman is bisexual now, because it’s a turn-off for me thinking of myself going into my first sex club experiences wanting to try to make happy a man who can’t be made happy.

To be part of a solid couple in the swinging lifestyle or polyamory, you have to want to share with another human being, to actually care about their wants. And coordinate hookups / swaps within boundaries that work for both of you. For example, if someone isn’t getting their emotional needs met at home, that’ll introduce more tension rather than swinging being pure fun.

This paragraph speaks very clearly about mismatched-desire issues for couples new to the lifestyle:

There are lots of reasons why a monogamous couple might want to try swinging, and not all of them are good. For example, some couples in a failing marriage, usually those who have lost their lust for each other, join the swinger lifestyle thinking it will fix their problems (spoiler: it doesn’t).

For these couples, any toxic feelings which were already present become exacerbated and can end things in a bad way.

SwingTowns blog article, from polyamorous dating site

Exactly that: because I didn’t feel he really wanted me in the end, I was uncomfortable seeing my ex fool around with other people in right in front of my eyes. Similarly, if you’re not secure about your body type or size in any way, you could become insecure easily watching your partner play with someone who had that desired characteristic you don’t have.

Overall, to be able to have this kind of open relationship successfully (so it’s fun rather than adding more tension), you need to

  • be positive about your body and what you have to offer,
  • if you’re participating as a couple, not be in a failing or toxic relationship,
  • be accepting / nonjudgmental about others’ preferences & tastes,
  • not be afraid or ashamed about your sexuality, and
  • be able to clearly communicate what you like and what your hard limits are. (Also if anything is uncomfortable to you.)

It’s open — and sometimes, it’s wild, with sex all over. Sexual adventure is my favorite thing.

This year, I decided I wanted sex with people who enjoy pleasing me as much as I like pleasing them. Both men and women. These couples, they talk to me, they feel me out (metaphorically), and we see if I’m attracted enough to them, and them to me — for a possibly banging good time.

Ultimately, the goal is fun with friends. Many couples do just come to sex clubs to hang out, with no expectations of hooking up every night. Maybe they just like to watch people on the dance floor, see if anyone clubs up the stripper poles, take in the scene. Go with the flow, you know. You really never what’s next.

I didn’t write this article to justify this uncommon sexual preference as being the right way, or better than monogamy, or more natural. I don’t want to discuss whether polyamory has been “the norm” throughout history. That’s misleading, a logical fallacy: Natural (or historical) doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us.”2

Because I don’t care what’s natural or what’s normal — not anymore. I care about what works for me, what brings energy into my life. (While my family is safe and sound, of course).

And you, what would you like to explore?

I hope you’ve enjoyed some of my long-ass personal piece… I’ve certainly enjoyed living this new series of adventures. I can’t say how long I’ll do this for, who I’ll end up with, and who I’ll meet next, but I’m OK with being along for the ride. I’m not waiting for anyone now; I’m having fun for me.

  1. There are no obligations to ever talk to or see someone again if you’ve hung out with them / had sex with them at a club (though you will quite possibly run into them again if you revisit the same venue) — but I chose to exchange phone numbers with several people.
  2. Just note: Women have been oppressed through history, people have died early deaths from now-preventable illnesses throughout history, contraception hasn’t been a factor throughout human history — until the 1960s. Historical does not inherently mean “good,” not at all.

6 thoughts on “Coming Out, Pt. 2: Polyamorous”

  1. Your blog just speaks to me, I always relate to your content because you’ve had such similar experiences to me. I’m also a bi girl, considering a foray into being a unicorn for (experienced) couples. Your blog is like having a mentor!

    • Oooh thank you for the comment, I published this last night and am currently working up the nerve to mention it on social media to see if anyone wants to read!

      Yes, I think those right “experienced” people is key. I’m wary about meeting new people from social apps like Quiver because you can waste a lot of time there, and it’s harder to get a feel for what someone is actually like by messaging them than talking to them in person. So far, I’m liking going in person to a good-quality club and seeing how the couples interact with friends — so I can tell that they’re a connected and stable part of the lifestyle, and there won’t be any weird issues or drama. Of course, you probably have to live near a large city to have that as a good option.

      Thank you so much for the kind words again, I hope you have awesome experiences going forward.

      • I love the idea of going to a club more much more than apps – i’ve never been on apps to find a couple to play with, but i’ve been on them as a single bisexual woman and I can tell which couples are trying a foray into threesomes without understanding ethical non monogamy and it’s nuanced dynamics. I’m so glad to hear you’re having fun! 💜

  2. Amazing read; thanks so, so much for sharing. This affirms some of what I hoped, and gives my partner and I a lot more to think about. This remains a taboo topic and it’s rare to find such honesty. Thanks for this, and for all of your fantastic content.

    • Taboo is right, and I appreciate your comment about my honesty. I’ve had several women at the swingers clubs tell me, “I’d be afraid to go alone!” and I understand that. (It’s intimidating enough going in as a couple the first few times!!!)

      I think 2020 made me realize we only live once, might as well make it interesting. Maybe partner-swapping adds some serious excitement, or maybe it won’t be meant for you and your partner. Either way, it’s awesome that you’re thinking it through together.


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