Picking the Right Toy
Lusting over this dildo was my first step into the world of fantasy toys: my gateway drug, if you will. I discovered Damn Average’s Etsy shop last fall, and there was something about the Above Average Alien that I just couldn’t get out of my head. I knew I had to have one—but I didn’t know much about softer silicone firmnesses.2 It’s important to understand what these options mean when you’re ordering a fantasy toy, because most fantasy dildos are available in three or four different firmnesses. If you’re sensitive like me, even Damn Average’s medium and firm—8A and 10A—can feel a lot different, even though they’re very close on the shore scale.
So I began a quest to learn more about silicone densities. This meant that I bought a lot of toys that didn’t work out for me, and I learned more about the firmnesses of the ones I already owned. Eventually, I ended up writing my Silicone Dildo Firmnesses guide—but I digress. In the end, I figured out that 8A (Damn Average’s medium) silicone was the perfect hardness for me in above-average-sized fantasy toys. This density has some squish, but it doesn’t bend too much when it’s thrust.
So I waited and waited, and then I finally got to place my Marbled March order with Damn Average…
WOW, This Is Beautiful
When my Above Average Alien arrived,3 I was ecstatic. I took my Alien out of its packaging, and my first thought was, It’s beautiful. I’d had three Damn Average toys before this (like this Bishop and Jav), but the Above Average Alien is my favorite looks-wise. Not only do I love the colors (because I chose them), but the marble is amazingly tight midshaft. Check out these swirls!
But What about How It Feels?
I’ve seen hundreds of fantasy toys that I think look cool as hell but that I know wouldn’t actually bring me much pleasure sexually. (Among these awesome-looking toys that I’ve actually tried are Damn Average’s Jav, whose head didn’t provide me enough stimulation; and Scifi Erotics’ Zuklat, which was too much for me.4) But I swear, the Above Average Alien in medium firmness feels like it was made specifically for my vagina.
First of all, the size is just right for me. The Alien’s 5.75″-circumference head and second ridge are my preferred size, right over 1.8″ diameter, and the third ridge is a nice increase in size at 6.25″ circumference. Here are the exact specs from Damn Average:
Total Length: 7.5″ / 19cm
Useable Length: 6.5″ / 16.5cm
Diameter of Glans: 2×1.75″ / 5×4.5cm
Circumference of Glans: 5.75″ / 14.5cm
Circumference of First Ridge: 5.75″ / 14.5cm
Circumference of Second Ridge: 6.25″ / 15.8cm
Narrowest Circumference: 5″ / 12.7cm
Widest Circumference: 6.25″ / 15.8cm
Base Footprint: 3×3.75″ / 7.5x9cm
The rounded head is very slightly tapered. Really, it’s very human-glans-shaped until you get to the coronal ridge. The head is a pleasure to slide in, and I’m able to pass the first ridge (the one under the coronal ridge) into my vagina without much resistance. I slide the Alien gently in and out for a while, feeling the two small bulbs that oppose each other to form the coronal ridge; I can also just barely feel the two teeth-like designs in between. Then, the first ridge provides even more stimulation; I can really feel it pushing on my frontal wall, in the best way.
But it’s the second ridge (the lowest one) that completes the package. When I first start using this lovely Alien, its final and largest ridge sits right outside the mouth of my vagina. Eventually, when I want even more pressure, I allow it to work its way inside. The second ridge equals an instant orgasm for me. Something about its firmness sitting right inside me makes me come fast and very hard, almost uncontrollably. This second ridge makes me forget that Nox—or any other fantasy toy—exists.5
Interestingly enough, I don’t like to insert much beyond the final ridge. When I put the whole length in, the pressure is overwhelming, so I stop at the bottom off the curved design about an inch before the shaft ends.
The Interesting Base
Speaking of the Above Average Alien’s lower regions, the base is a lovely sculpt. But…I was worried it would be impractical in use, because I’m a big dildo-thruster. I often like to go fast, which is hard on my wrist when a toy’s base is too chunky or heavy.
My worries ended up being unfounded, though, because the Above Average Alien’s base doesn’t feel too heavy in use. Maybe it’s just that I don’t feel the need to thrust the Alien quickly because its curves stimulate me so,6 but I always manage multiple orgasms on the Above Average Alien without my wrist feeling tired. The back of the base does extend backward a little farther than I’d like, but the design—which provides three flat resting places for the user’s first three fingers—is well-thought-out. The incisor-like spikes at the front of the base occasionally get in my way when I’m changing my grip, but they also serve to hold my thumb in place.
Overall, though it’s not the most usable base in my collection, the three-fingered grip is clever, and the whole base looks great.
A Note about Independent Toy Makers
Damn Average’s toys are all unique works of art, which means that they’re very human. They’re not perfectly symmetrical because they’re sculpted by hand, and occasionally there are very minor flaws in the silicone. (Though Sheep, Damn Average’s owner, makes an effort to note any serious nick in the appropriate item’s product listing, and all toys are completely body-safe.) To me, the imperfections make these toys more charming, but if you’re used to factory precision, they are something to be aware of. Also, there are sometimes shipping delays because small toy makers have other lives: families, the occasional health crisis, and almost always another job outside of silicone pouring. *This ends my public service announcement.*
Damn Average’s Above Average Alien is my favorite fantasy toy, and my second favorite toy overall.7 (This is a big statement for me, because I really like human-shaped dicks.) Simply put, I adore this fantastical creature. The three ridges, combined with the toy’s forward curve, do so much for my G-spot. When the alien has landed in me, I know I’m set for a wild ride.
Watch Damn Average’s Etsy shop for your chance to pick up an Above Average Alien and many other stunning silicone pours. And, if you find the Above Average Alien a bit large but think you would like these ridges, Sheep also offers the smaller Average Alien. My next conquest, though, will be the Troll!
- At the time I wrote this review—but now it has to compete with my Xenocat Artifacts Caiman and BS Is Nice Alex Noise. My Shapely Toys Binate is lovely too.
- Also, I learned about Marbled March, the only time during the year when Damn Average does (semi-)custom orders. Because I wanted to choose my colors, I had to wait!
- In the third week of June. Sheep, Damn Average’s owner, has a lot of Marbled March orders and is only one person running the whole business, so you will wait months if you want a custom. And it’s worth it, IMO.
- Yes, “Goldilocks” is my vagina’s alternate name.
- Except maybe Twin Tail Creations’ Cortez. The fact that I don’t own one of these yet is a constant source of woe to me. (I exaggerate, but those horizontal ridges call to me, even though I doubt they’ll equal the stimulation of the Above Average Alien.)
- Weirdly, I like to use my left hand to thrust the Above Average Alien, even though 95% of the time, I have to use my right hand to get off on any other toy in my collection.
- I have a constant hard-on for the Tantus Uncut #1.